Part 2: To boldly go

I realize that some of you may not have had opportunity to partake of or even be introduced to the humble Moon Pie. Allow me to give you some background information.

Moon Pies come in three standard flavors: chocolate, vanilla, and banana. You already know Tony’s particular preference, and as far as he is concerned, vanilla is right out. The standard anatomy of a Moon Pie is two soft graham cracker type cookies that house a layer of marshmallow fluff which is then enrobed in a wax-like coating bearing one of the standard flavors along with appropriate coloring for said flavor. That is the single-decker Moon Pie. If you are brave enough—and hungry enough—and have both a circulatory and digestive system strong enough to tackle the double-decker Moon Pie, your taste buds are in for a culinary treat. You get THREE soft cookies and an additional layer of marshmallow fluff. The Moon Pie is round.

There ya go.

So, early in June Tony received the following emergency dispatch from his friend, Richard:

Richard wrote on June 14, 2006:

Dateline: Wimberly, Texas

Re: Discovery

Three “new” moon pie flavors were spotted at the local Brookshire Bros. *STOP*

Strawberry, Lemon, and Orange were the specific flavors *STOP*

Initial revulsion was overcome by curiosity and one (1) of each was purchased *STOP*

Granted these are not the traditional stoic chocolate, the exotic banana, or the even the acceptable vanilla, but new ground must be broken on occasion *STOP*

Taste tests have not yet begun but once I commence to the task, results will be reported here. *STOP*

Wish me luck, I’m goin’ in. *STOP*

Regards,
-Slappy

*(editorial comment: His name is really Richard. The fellas have some odd monikers that they use when referencing each other while discussing things of an important nature such as camping, crabbing, or the consumption of a Moon Pie. Richard is Slappy.)

Tony shot back this reply toot-sweet:

Tony wrote:
If someone knows of a retailer that sells banana Moon Pies in my locale, please let me know. I favor that flavor, but Wal-Mart sells only the chocolate ones.

As far as you tasting your newly-discovered flavors, I have this to say:

Strawberry: Child’s play.

Lemon: A bit adventurous.

Orange: Are you out of your mind?!!! It’s an insult to your colon! Just say “NO!”

–Julia “Pappy” Child

*(editorial comment: Tony is Pappy.)

Well, Richard rapidly set to and laid out his review. . .as soon as he got back from vacation. (Did I mention that “speedy” is not one of the points of the Scout Law? Neither is “honest.”)

Richard wrote on June 26, 2006:
Partial results of Moon Pie tests:

The Lemon was first. I was sure to have a clean palate upon which to work. The fragrance was strong as was the flavor. It was firm yet yielding. The flavor reminded me of lemon sugar cookies once obtained at Hamner’s Country Cupboard some years prior. The overall experience was good. In the Chocolate, Banana, Vanilla (CBV) Scale, I put it slightly above vanilla. High praise I know but I was pleasantly surprised.

The Strawberry was next. Emboldened by my Lemon experience I rushed in with gusto normally reserved for the first taste of Bob’s Jalapeno chips on a camp out. Nonplussed by my first taste I repeated the process only to find myself wanting. Its aroma was strong but the flavor was… lacking. This angered me, the petulance of this
snack treat was masked only by it’s insolence! This Moon Pie mocked me and I would have none of it. My $.47 be-[jiggered] this Pie was not going to get the best of me! I finished the remains of this impostor and gave the wrapper what for, I can tell you. It knew the sting of my boot and no mistake.

This left the Orange Moon Pie. Tony’s warning about said Pie has taken on new meaning since the “Strawberry Incident”. It traveled home with me and sits in my refrigerator still. A showdown of sorts has commenced. Have no doubt my friends, I fear no Moon Pie but
yet… it lingers.

I have told myself it’s because I’ve been too busy. Days are full keeping up with the young’uns and Vacation Bible School has occupied my nights. It’s late when I get home. Even tonight, as I walked through the house turning off lights, locking doors and the like, I found myself wanting a snack but… no. Before this week is through, the Orange Moon Pie and I will have it out. But I don’t want to enter this angry or with my hopes at unrealistic levels.

I hear you: “You’re overreacting, it’s nothing” and you may be right, you teachers, money managers, and accountants for what you’re worth. And yet… “The Strawberry Incident” haunts me.

-e.e. slappy

Tony’s reply was close to immediate. (Did I mention the thing about speedy? Well, he’s normally not, but this whole Moon Pie thing really lit a fire under him. He doesn’t cotton to those new-fangled ideas—or flavors.)

Tony wrote on June 27:

Richard,

The lemon sounds to be just what I would expect, and I’m glad that you placed it above vanilla (the Shemp of Moon-Pies). *(editorial comment: If you don’t know the lowliness of the 4th Stooge–Shemp–then you are probably not married to an Eagle Scout–or even a real man. You might need to check your spouse’s pulse. I have yet to meet a male who does not like the Three Stooges. Shemp’s name is used only ever to show derision and loathing for anything substandard and only to be tolerated as the last possible option.) I believe, based on your evaluation, that I shall rank my Moon-Pie preferences thusly: B, C, L. On your word alone, I will accept it as worthy
of bearing the pseudo-cellophane packaging imprinted with the words “Moon-Pie.”

Your reflections of the strawberry flavor are a bit disappointing to me. As strawberry is my favorite flavor — I’ve had a strawberry cake for my birthday for as long as I can remember — I was hoping that it would be a contender for second place, thus creating a
ranking of B, S, C, L. I do not doubt your results, but feel compelled to try the flavor myself — not out of a desire to validate your findings through scientific method, but rather out of morbid curiosity.

And now for the meat of this letter: the orange “moon-pie.” (Note the lower-case letters, signifying my wariness of this [illegitimate member] of the Moon-Pie family.) Richard, you most certainly are not over-reacting. I fully understand your current situation, and can not say
that I would be doing differently were I in your shoes. Here is what I would do if I were you, but feel free to make your own choices:

1. View the orange concoction as a worthy opponent. As you open the refrigerator door, keep one eye on it as you search for whatever item caused you to go there. Perhaps it would not be out of the question to equate your relationship with this demon-pastry as to that of the U. S. A. to the former U. S. S. R. during the decades of the Cold War, and let’s hope the tension you experience does not go on for that long. Admit to it that you see its strengths, but that you are more than capable of annihilating it, should the need arise. Yes, you can take care of yourself, and the two of you will come to a fragile truce.
Or,
2. Declare your arrogant superiority over the wafer, and refuse to waste your time with taste-testing horse [poo]. Throw it out, with flare and style if you so wish, and tell it that you are the victor, so says you! Or perhaps you could [this line removed due to gross-out factor] set it on fire, and then toss it under the foot of one of the elephants that you see whilst visiting the zoo with your kids. DO NOT allow the remnants to enter the Galveston Bay watershed, as I do not want any crabs feasting on the vile matter.

Best of luck to you and yours.

At this point Mike and Bryan decide to wade into the fray and weigh in with entries of their own which read as follows :

Mike wrote:

You know? I like muffins

Bryan wrote:

After a long day’s work – it’s always an hour later out here – I could barely get my brain to follow this story, except for maybe the “it was firm yet yielding” bit. Let me think about this and get back to you on the weekend when my brain will be able to digest information. Meanwhile, you must get some ginger and cleanse your palate before
you tackle the orange moon-pie. Taste it you must…and why don’t you videotape the experience and stick it on Youtube.com for us to view.

Tony took umbrage to Bryan suggesting ginger as the palate cleanser of choice. But that, my friends, is a story for another day. . .like tomorrow maybe?

*Editorial Disclaimer: Permission was neither asked nor received to change actual wording, but girlie colors WERE added, and verbage was changed [signified by these brackets] to keep this a family friendly blog. (Even though no real subversive language was used, most of us ARE ladies here). No Moon Pies were consumed by the editor during the writing of this blog. But my husband had one banana and one chocolate with a glass of milk. (And allow me to mention right here and now that the man has lost 33 pounds since June. . .don’t you HATE him??? Let’s hear it for the Moon Pie diet.)

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6 thoughts on “Part 2: To boldly go

  1. A) I will not go into details about the proof of my spouse’s manliness, but he is not a stooge-lover or liker. Which is why I am married to him.

    B)I was going to say that those guys need a hobby, but I guess to some, critiquing moon-pies would count.

  2. You are a Writer my good friend!! I love so many things in the way you told this story!!

    “You might need to check your spouse’s pulse.” and “…marshmallow fluff which is then enrobed in a wax-like coating bearing one of the standard flavors along with appropriate coloring for said flavor.”

    It’s like your story telling writing style and personality is pouring ut all over the place here :))

    And as far as I can tell my husband has a very strong pulse indeed, though he favors Monty Python and gems like Dumb and Dumber. And chips, with salsa.

    33 pounds?? Wow! With Moon-Pies?

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