I have, before, linked to Joshilyn Jackson over at Faster than Kudzu because she is hysterically funny and can bend words to her will. Her most recent post entitled “Open Letters to Everybody” addresses serial killers, opossums, major appliances, and the state of Alabama. If you care to read them all, then head on over. There ARE some “inside” jokes that you might only get if you are a follower of hers, but I give you the letter below as evidence that if you need some funny in your day, her post is one to go and read.
Dear Physical Objects I Depend On,
Oh cars, oh computers, oh toilets and air conditioning units, all of you who have already broken, to you I say nothing. We have already had many ugly words pass between us, and all of you are broken and gone, replaced by The Good Cat Car and the toilets from space and etc. so we shall let this sad history BE history.
BUT TO EVERYTHING ELSE I own and need to function at top efficiency—For example, to YOU, dishwasher, YOU who are slowly, one by one, dropping your metal prongs that separate the dishes as if the prongs were loblolly pine needles and you were a tree feeling the chills of winter, and to YOU, clothes drier, who did not get replaced when we replaced the broken washer and who now makes thumpy-whumpy noises as if I had included a pair of Keds in every load. And you most especially ROOF, old gray sagging roof and your attendant saggy gutters. I say to ALL OF YOU, if you are going to break, the next three weeks are your final window.
2009 is the year of everything breaking. AND IT IS ENDING. I have declared a moratorium on HUGE EXPENSIVE REPLACEMENTS AND REPAIRS for 2010. If you limp along through December, prepare to keep on limping. You may break in 2011, if you ask nicely.
With a Steely Glare That Says I Know The Way to Major Appliance Hell and I am not Afraid to Take You There,
Funny I’m tellin’ ya.